I miss You! Yes, you, the other side of me that I was neglecting again in my pursuit to temporarily meet the expectation from my day job!
My main income stream is a data engineer during the day. My QHHT practice is a sideline as I continue to gain more experience in the field as a practitioner. I enjoy what I do. Both fields are on the opposite side of the spectrum; one is mostly logic-driven (left brain) and the hypnosis is the creative side of the brain.
I have been doing my day job for 11 years and yes, it’s been a long time. I’d like to believe that I am fairly good when it comes to data engineering or any technical subjects which relate to data. I flourish in this field. However, the more technical experience you get in a role comes with high demand or sometimes the more specialist the role is, the likely you are to be a key dependency. I do not want to discuss what are the different options to avoid this because this is not the reason for my blog today.
No matter how healthy you want to live your life from re-wiring new habits or learning new fields or having deep social connection or spiritual growth still, you cannot escape getting dragged back to the hamster wheel like everyone else, the rat race! The wheel is a metaphoric representation of doing the same thing over and over again. In this case, go to work, deliver and get a paycheck at the end of the month, pay bills then repeat the process until you retire. This is what I mean by the hamster wheel. Until you know how to break the wheel and be bold to do something different than everyone else, then you are always bound to the hamster wheel.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my day job otherwise, I would not be staying in the same field for 11 years. However, as you learn more about yourself through life’s experiences, you realise that work is not life rather work is only a tiny part of life. This is what we sometimes forget. It is easy to go to autopilot, wake up the next day and think I have to deliver this task or this project. Log out and still you are thinking about work, how to get the computer code that you have been tinkering to work or the content of your presentation. All for the name of work.
Relapse
This is where I got myself stuck again. Work was creeping back into my personal life to a point that I barely invest in myself.
Hence, I miss you! You, the part in me that is fun, bold, creative and open to whatever life throws at me and even my sense of peace. This was disrupted until today. I realised that I have not been taking care of myself like I normally do and the project that I am working on at my day job has been consuming most of my brainpower even when I logged out. The last 3 months had been hectic. The only routine that I have been consistently doing is my meditation twice a day. This alone is slowly slipping away because I was not sleeping much during at night thinking about my day job and the next morning when I meditate I was too sleepy. Meditating was becoming a chore than a bliss.
Lack of sleep
Which lead to my next point, lack of sleep. This one is a killer! The moment you stop getting the right amount of sleep based on your circadian rhythm then things are about to go downhill. Your serotonin goes down – happy chemicals in your brain. As a result, your brain thinks you are in hunger mode or lack of fuel then it tries to send different signals to your body that you need “sugar”! Yes, sugar especially high carbs food to compensate for the chemicals lacking in your brain.
Cravings with vengeance
Believe me, the cravings went back with vengeance! I was on sugar cravings for all desserts, cream tea for lunch and appetiser for supper (yikes!). I ate lots of crisps with cheese, ice creams with brownies and strawberries with chocolate glazing! Yup, I was overindulging and to a point that my skin was slowly breaking out.
I started to binge-watch different films or watch Youtube as my way of shutting from my day job. I was buying takeaway meals because I couldn’t bother to cook. Takeaway food is not as healthy as home cook meals aside from the fact that it is so much cheaper to cook at home.
When you just thought it couldn’t get any worse, there were more. I was no longer investing in myself. You see, every after my day job, I made a habit to read for at least one hour a day. Learn new ideas and learn from authors. I was too busy helping other people that I was neglecting my personal growth! I used to read one book every week and I realised I barely touch my e-book let alone my hard copy books. I felt I was drowning and I was slowly losing control of my reality!
How did I know this?
Well, I just broke down during my 1-2-1 with my boss!
All of I sudden I was projecting my frustrations outward as though the world owes me! Then it hit me and I realised I was really in deep trouble. I was relapsing and something drastic must be changed quickly. Otherwise, it would be too late and I would be undoing the hard work I have been investing in myself and my overall wellbeing. I was checking my previous blog and I realised I stopped growing, I stopped making time for myself and I was slipping back again to the old habit which was living to work.
Bouncing back
When I realised this, I went in and reviewed what were the things that make me enjoy being me, being myself – this is why I am blogging and sharing this journey with you. This is one of the things that I missed a lot. By sharing my imperfections so you, who is reading this now, can relate and hopefully help you face your journey knowing that you are not alone! I have selected two books that I am going to finish in the next 4 weeks. I have cut down massively my sugar intake and I am working on to re-adjust my sleep pattern. No more binge-watching and simply quiet nights with my books!
There is nothing wrong with relapse, slipping back to the old habits.
What truly matters is how you pick yourself up again, recompose and reframe your life again back on track. In this adventure that is called life, there is always sit backs and this is fine too. Just never stay there, never give up and be honest with yourself. Reach out to the inner side of you, your Higher Self – listen to it. Equally important, trust the timing of your life because you are where you need to be!
Until next time, with love, peace and light!
M💗e 😊
