“Depression is the predominant mental health problem worldwide, followed by anxiety, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder”
and “In 2013, there were 8.2 million cases of anxiety in the UK”. – Mental Health Foundation
According to the Office for National Statistics, 1 out 5 (21%) adults experienced some form of depression in early 2021 (27 Jan 2021 – 7 Mar 2021). This is an increase since Nov 2020 (19%).
First off, if your life is in danger, please call your local emergency hotline or if you are in the UK, call 999 or 112. Please check at the bottom of this page for other agencies to ring for non-emergency help.
So, what are depression and anxiety? Why there are so many cases around the world?
Depression is a common mental disorder that causes people to experience depressed mood, loss of interest or pleasure, feelings of guilt or low self-worth, disturbed sleep or appetite, low energy, and poor concentration.
Anxiety, however, is a type of fear usually associated with the thought of a threat or something going wrong in the future, but can also arise from something happening right now. From
Enough with the facts which I know you can find it all over the internet. What I am really here for is to share my own experience of both the subjects and how I managed to get out of it.
Disclaimer, the intention is not for you to pity me nor to ask for your sympathy but rather to give you a glimpse of what exactly is going on in the head of the person suffering from these conditions. Of course, I am only speaking from experience and does not imply that everyone is the same. This is absolutely far from the truth. People have different coping mechanism and I am hoping by sharing, this gives the reader, yes, you, alternative tools that can help you or aid speed up your recovery.
My definitions of Anxiety and Depression. The two are like two opposite of the pole. North and South or West or East. Simply put, the past (depression) and the future (anxiety).
Let me expand on that. I noticed that there were two immediate types of thinking that was going on in my head when I was suffering these two conditions.
I was very fixated on my past (the guilt, what could have I done better or I wish I was cautious enough or I wish I did not do this). The endless dialogue continues. Whilst the opposite side of this is the future. I was so worried about the what if’s. What if it will not work or what if I am not enough or what if I have miscalculated the risks or what if I will fail or what if I am not ready yet. Again, the dialogues continue to a point it was taking the life of me, my entire energy and the next thing I knew, it was already 5 am and I had to go to work.
As a result of lack of sleep, I was irritated, my metabolism was slow, productivity was slow. My reaction time was quite poor and I was not the best company to be with because I overthink everything that people say to me. Then, the cycles continue. I gained weight or there were times that I did not feel like eating. Either way, my body was in stress mode. You hear this often, the fight or flight mode. This was actually what was happening in my system.
How to identify when you are in a fight or flight mode?
Feel your body. At the time, I was tensing my lower abdomen. I couldn’t sleep, my muscles were so stiff and my immune system was quite low. It was very hard to focus and I was jumping from one task to the other and only to realise, I did not finish much. Equally important, I was dormant. I was not interested to participate. I was alive yet like a walking dead. I was craving too many sugars because my brain was telling me I was lacking of happy chemicals like serotonin and was trying to compensate for it through cravings. I drank at least 5 shots of coffee and sometimes on a Fri, 7 shots. Yes, I was wondering why I couldn’t sleep, well, blame it on the caffeine. It started with the thought then my body craved for junk foods and the next thing I knew, my body was shutting mentally. This is equally the same as your body is physically shutting down because your brain controls all your senses. When you lost this part, then you know it is indeed a really dark place.
Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse than this. Well, the climax was when a strange thought came one morning. The thought of not wanting to wake up, the thought of sleeping endlessly until no life was left in me. At first, it was a bizarre thought and then I realised, as the thought kept coming back I was noticing a pattern. Every time it popped in my head, the urge of following it through was getting stronger along with the thought of what was I living for? What was the point? No one would notice when I am gone. Yes, you can hear a lot of self-pity, lack of self-esteem and low of self-worth.
How did it all start?
Jan 2020, just before the lockdown. A feeling of shortness of breath and the feeling of heaviness. Something inside me, deep down in my heart, a heavy pull of emotions and I was not even aware of the cause at the time. All I knew was I couldn’t go on the way I was so I was signed off sick from work.
When the lockdown started, mid-Mar 2020 in the UK, things really got ugly for me. I felt like I was trapped and nowhere else to go but my place. I couldn’t see friends nor could I visit the Philippines which I was planning to fly in the coming May 2020. The first thing that came to my mind was my Dad. I was worried sick whether or not I would not see him and he would die during this pandemic due to the lack of a health care system in the Philippines. Then there was this thought of if he would die, I would not be able to see him because everyone was banned from travelling. The thoughts of what if’s was endless and it was wearing me out throughout the day. I was very vulnerable at the time to a point that I was really making a terrible decision about a business start-up. Yes, never start any business for wrong reasons especially just so you get to feel busy or without rationally thinking about it. If you are emotionally invested in the business then it is likely to go haywire. This was the case for me. I thought I found my way out of the rat race which was another appealing marketing strategy targeted to most vulnerable people. I was involved in a digital marketing affiliation where we were asked a whopping £25,000 so we can get an £8,000 commission. If you are vulnerable and you involved money in the mix, it is a recipe for disaster. Thankfully, I have been guided and I have followed my intuition that something was not right. I literally dodged the bullet and nearly paid up 25K. I noticed that I was too emotional to think straight let alone doing some business decisions. The next thing I knew, I cancelled my subscriptions and the search for something meaningful to do during lockdown continues.
Then it got more interesting. As the restrictions in the UK continued, the government started announcing about financial support to businesses and banking institutions. This was all good and dancing that the UK was looking after their people in comparison to other countries like the Philippines that the help was next to nothing. Some people had to queue up just to get a kilo of rice if they were lucky and a can of sardines. At this point, I was anchoring my survival to other people around the world who were far worse off than I was at the time. As selfish as it sounds, this really kicked me from my backside because I was complaining whilst I am in my 2 bedroom flat next to the Quay or harbour with less than a mile drive to Europe’s best white sand beach. What could I complain for?
Then another news came. I spoke to my boss, after the government announcement, I was put on a furlough. It means that I did not need to work and continue my recovery whilst the government was paying 80% of my salary. Now, in retrospect, this was the best thing that could happen to me.
What happened? Well, my world came crushing! Yes, it sounds crazy and my condition was gotten worse with vengeance. As irrational as it was but when you were so emotional you could barely hear reasons. The first thing that came to my head after my conversation with my boss was – ‘I was not good enough and I was useless because I was being furloughed. My company did not value me nor did it need me.’ This is quite far from the truth. There were no basis of these illogical thinking. In fact, it was quite the opposite. If I would be on the same shoe as my boss, I would decide exactly the same thing.
Why? 1.) I was not fit to work so I would not be of any use to anyone and this would be a good opportunity to help me recover. 2.) I had been off for a while now and as you know, the company has very limited sick leave. I obviously used this up. Therefore, my time off work would revert to statutory pay (government sick pay) which is quite tiny and would not really get me by to pay for my utility bills. 3.) I was contributing to my company to survive during what has been a global economic restraints.
But, I was not seeing it this way. All I was seeing was me, me, me. I confided to my partner and he was like, that was great news right? He said, ‘You are off work and you are still paid?’. I was like, indeed and I was not even seeing that way. This was when I realised how in deep trouble I was and something had to change.
How did I get to this situation?
Let’s go back to memory lane, four years ago, 2017. I was going through a divorce and this went on for the next 3 years until 3 Jan 2020. It would make sense. My signs of depression and anxiety started to be more apparent during this time.
Anyhow, during 2017, I moved out of from marital house. It was my first ever flat and first time living alone in the UK. Before I moved to the UK, my goal was to settle down and that foundation of why I am here was torn into pieces. I was lost and I was not sure how to move on. I was brought up in a Roman Catholic family, we were taught that marriage vows must not be taken lightly and must be forever. I was terrified of the thought that I was breaking my vow.
Three months later, in June 2017, my Mum passed away. A month after I celebrated my 30th birthday, the year of liberation as how I called it, a new beginning.
My world came crushing. Insurance is not something commonly practised in the Philippines. When my Mum died, I had to shoulder most of the funeral bills. It got worse, my Mum left us with a massive piece of land which caused a lot of stir in the clan. I was caught in the middle of it too. I was assaulted by my own relatives over a feud of some piece of land. I was offering to pay for the solicitor bills for the rest of the family in exchange for some portion of the land.
1.) They thought I was too arrogant to offer help because how would I afford it. 2.) Everyone was grieving and the talks of land were not really the right time nor place for it. I couldn’t remember how did we get to the land subject but all I remembered, the next thing I knew, my sister before me, was grabbing me and pushing me around. My lesbian Aunt was choking my neck and hit my head. I had to run away, came to the Police station crying, I was shaken and thankfully, my childhood friend’s Mum was there with me. She was like my Mum. I got through the night. I had to fly back to the UK because it was no longer safe for me to stay there. I did not have the chance to attend my Mum’s funeral. I spoke to the solicitor and I was advised that I had to stay in the Philippines if I would want to press charges. I was on bereavement leave and I only had limited time. I did not think I would be strong enough to face the situation at the time because I was still grieving. This land business of my Mum’s clan has been going since I was 7 and I am 34 years old now. Land feud in the Philippines is fairly common to a point that family and relatives will kill for it. Yes, as crazy as it sounds but that’s what money does to people.
Back in the UK, I was buried with the divorce papers and I was not sure whether I was properly grieving fully. My job kept me going and kept me out of my bed. I was in Bristol at the time, in Weston Super Mare. It is lovely in there, especially during summer. It was my healing ground. The water and the seaside were my therapy. However, things did not last forever. I was offered a job in London, in one of the Big Four Companies as a consultant. I thought a fresh scenery, new job would do the trick. I could never be more wrong. Naïve young me was thinking that London would take my mind off things and should be a good start. I left my senior role in Bristol to get a taste of the London lifestyle. I had always dreamt to live in London. Guess what? Be careful what you wish for.
My accommodation was a shared accommodation. I never had shared accommodation before especially with strangers in the UK. This was a massive change. London life was crazy, to say the least. The commute to the London underground was mental. The people are miserable most often than not. You look at them and they look really depressed about everything. I call them zombie passengers. There were occasions that I met lovely and kind people on the tube but for most of my seven months in London commute, it was a nightmare! Then my actual work, you would think all the fancy office, fancy job descriptions, fancy company – Big 4 and fancy equipment, two laptops and latest iPhone, what could go wrong? Well, management was rubbish! Even that was an understatement. There were no structure, no training and my job was very dangerous that could get me to prison if it was not done correctly. Yes, Employer’s liability and that but as part of my profession, I was still liable to it. Thankfully, this was not my first job so I was well versed in navigating the politics and department. But in the end, the environment was too toxic for me and I had given the leadership ample time to make the change and to keep their words as promised during my interview. Yes, I was too trusty and I did not ask for it in writing. I have learned the hard way. So, I jumped shipped and move again to the South West where I am living now for over two years.
With my new place, it is quite spacious and I am not sharing my two-bedroom flat. It is literally a haven for me. Then there was my new job at the time, May 2019. Seven months into my role, I happened to get a boss who was not what you call a leader but rather a demotivator. I had to stay until 4 am coding. Again, I went back to workaholic mode and work was life. Until Jan 2020 when my brain said, I freaking had enough and I was signed off for anxiety and depression.
How did I overcome it?
Control
Control the controllable. Adding routine to my day. Even though I am working or not, I have my routine. Start your day investing solely for yourself and nothing else. As selfish as it sounds but this is really what was missing. I was too busy chasing external happiness or external stimulation like parties and nightlife. I forgot to look after myself. I did not protect my time to spend only for myself. I make sure that when I wake up, I do not grab my mobile phone which is really a bad habit. Your start your day focusing on you, not some emails or social media that makes you miserable.
My routine:
Drink Water. I drink a lot of water when I wake up. Sleeping 7-8 hours with no water, you will be dehydrated the first thing you wake up. You need to refill that for your brain. I make my bed then I meditate. Why this tiny detail makes a lot of difference. According to my Super Brain coach, Jim Kwik, if you start your day productively (making your bed) and you come home or when you go to bed, you know it is tidy and you have done it by yourself and is your little accomplishment. It triggers dopamine chemicals in your brain which is one of the happy chemicals.
Eye Gazing. As part of my routine, I do this every morning before I brush my teeth. It is called ‘eyes gazing’ but I actually call it loving one’s self. They say the eyes are the window to the soul and if you want to know someone, you want to stare into their eyes. So, I always look at my eyes through the mirror and I say ‘I love you’ to it. I also say to my body how wonderful it is and thanking it for the amazing job it does. Our words are so powerful and what we speak, reflects who we are. Our body and our soul are always listening so be mindful of what we speak of.
Then, I brush my teeth and get ready to face my day ahead. I make sure to have some hot drinks and take my supplements.
During the night, I make sure that I make a habit to go to bed at the same time. My circadian rhythm is a Bear, from The Mastery of Sleep by the Sleep Doctor, Michael Breus, and I need 8 hours of sleep every night and wake up the same time every day even on a weekend. This way my body will have its routine and I often wake up before my alarm clock now. According to the Sleep Doctor, Michael Breus, each individual has a different timetable depending on your diet, age and personality. There is no such thing as one fits all. I also make sure that no mobile phones nor laptops in my bedroom. The bedroom is only for sex and sleeping, no work. This is to get your brain to a routine that when you see your bed, it is for resting and relaxing, not for working. I used to do this and I thought it would not make any difference. Funny enough, when I made the changes to my room, I was amazed at how my body adjusted to the new set-up in my room. No more desk laptops. My room is solely for relaxing. I also make sure my bed is comfortable according to my body size. My room has blinds to keep it dark and I use my eye mask to help my eyes sleep. This is really important to aid me to sleep.
Sleep is one of the biggest changes I did in my life. I used to go to bed at 6 am and sleep during the day. I used to get only 4-5 hours of sleep with the hope that this was sustainable. When I took Dr Breus’s course about sleep, it all made sense why I was in a cycle of depression and anxiety. I never viewed sleep as critical to life. Believe it or not, sleep affects your daily life from eating habits, your metabolism, when you want to gain or lose weight, when you want to retain or boost your memory, when you want to focus, your mood and equally important your sex life! Yes, who would think sleep is crucially important? If you missed 1 hour of sleep, your productivity drops to 20%, this is quite a lot. No wonder why people who have kids and are not getting much sleep, they easily get irritated.
Journal. I also journal. I write about important events in my life. It does not have to be writing, voice or video recording will do. I have all of them. I have been writing a journal since I was in Secondary school. Expressing yourself is very important even if you do not have to share it with anyone. This is a healing process for you, a great source of therapy. Do you know that writing how you feel and your thoughts will transfer the energy of whatever you are thinking or your feeling (anger, frustration) to the paper or digital notes (whichever applies)? It releases and transmutes those energies from your body into the paper to something creative, in this case, your journal. You may not consider it but write or expressing one’s self is an act of creativity, it’s an art. Renowned relationship therapist, Esther Perel, recommended writing your thoughts when you are angry with your partner to a piece of paper instead of storming off and lash the anger at your partner. Set it aside for a night or two and read it once you have calmed down. You do not have to wait for two nights, whenever you feel you have calmed down. When you read the notes, ask yourself how would you feel if you receive the same kind of notes from your partner? This approach teaches you compassion and understanding.
Growth
Never stop growing. We thought that learning stops in school. This is a big misconception. Life just started after you graduate and the real learning starts when you get out there and starts living the real world. I am always curious and I like to explore new things. Being brought up in the Catholic religion, this was not easy. I grew up strictly taught that I should not question the decision of my elders and this was how things should be. However, deep down something was telling me this was not true. When I came to live in the UK, my access to different information, unlimited sources from books to the internet, has rekindled my curiosity that I was setting aside when I was living in the Philippines. I was absorbing and learning new things like a sponge. It started with the computing field, then life here in the UK, from culture to tradition. What are socially acceptable behaviours and what not? How the people in Britain conform to its society? The political structure, etc.
I have always enjoyed learning. Then the time came that I have started to learn how to read books fast, one book in a week depending on the kind of book that I am reading. I owe this to my Super Reading coach, Jim Kwik. This has been valuable to me because I read like a primary school before I took the course. From 104 words per minute to 350 words per minute. It made sense to learn to read fast and quite beneficial for me because I want to pick and choose the information that is relevant. The course I took taught me just that. I am a reflector and I like to compare my younger self six months ago, a year ago, three years ago or five years ago. It helps me see life that I have now from a different perspective and I tend to appreciate every waking moment that I have. Vishen Lakhiani, MindValley Co-Founder, call it ‘Reversing the Gap’. There is a gap between the Now and the Goal that you want to achieve. One of the things that cause anxiety is to get yourself too fixated on the future and what you need to get done. Reversing the gap is the opposite, seeing that gap of the months or years before you got here to where you are now. This way, you are likely to appreciate your achievements and focus on the positive events in your life rather than be miserable about what you do not have yet. You will most likely miss the moment of the Now if you are too invested in your goal. It is ok to have a goal but never allow yourself to be emotionally affected by it. This is where the anxiety starts to creep in.
As digital information expands, it is really difficult to trust which one is what. I tend to ask my Higher Self (intuition) whether the information I am reading is to be trusted or not. It takes a lot of practice to trust yourself with your gut feeling. But the more you use it, the more you are a tune to it and the more you get instantaneous answers from your intuition.
Love myself, compassion and humility
Love, forgiveness and acceptance. My first part of my healing is to forgive myself and accept what had happened, grow and move on from it. Accepting the fact that I have done the best I could to the best of my effort at the time. This gives forth to loving my own self. I couldn’t expect someone to love me if I do not believe that I am worthy of it. So, I have to process this in time. Believe me, you have to keep pushing, keep persevering and keep reminding yourself that if the words I spoke to myself would not be spoken to a dear friend of mine then, why would I speak to myself like that? Having this reverse dialogue, has helped me stop the self-sabotage or the critical voice inside me. Instead, I simply acknowledge it and sometimes I play with it. I say, ‘thank you for your concern, however, those thoughts do not serve me.’ Or sometimes I say, ‘Cancel, cancel, cancel those thoughts’.
If these do not work, when I start looping thoughts in my head, I challenged it. I watched it and simply ask these three questions:
1.) Are those thoughts true?
2.) Are those thoughts absolutely true?
3.) If without those thoughts, how would I feel?
Another technique that I have learned is when I am fixated on the future. For example, if I am going to present something then I am anxious that I might screw it up, then I make sure that I practice to overcome this. If another thought comes in like, I may forget what I am going to say then I talk back to it and say that I am foretelling the future and it might not happen. By asking these fundamental questions, by challenging it, you are taking control of your own mind and not your mind controlling your life. I have learned this from the book, Change your Brain, Change your Life by Dr Daniel Amen.
Humility
This is indeed a tough one for me. To stay humble in a world surrounded by material things, labelling such as fancy job titles, fancy houses and lavish lifestyles, humility is hard to come by. I am not saying it is bad to enjoy a good quality of things or luxury of things, this is a choice. But to me, humility is where you keep your ego at bay. When I say ego, I am referring to the voice in you who has the pride and wants to be ‘right’ all the time. The innate feeling in you who likes to be proven right in every conversation or discussion that you may have with your colleagues or friends. The part of you that wants to be validated. Believe me, I am working on it. This is crucially important to my healing because learning tolerance with others help me a lot to avoid unnecessary stress. I have learned when to speak up and when I do, I make sure it matters not because I like to be praised for how great my ideas but because my intention is really to solve the situation. I am not saying to be a pushover, I am saying to be mindful of the intention why you say such words. Is it because you just want your colleagues to look like an idiot in front of others just so you get the credit that you are the smartest person in the room or is it because you truly believe in the cause and you want to help fix it? These two are quite opposite and by starting to be mindful of these actions, helps you move forward to a better state of being. Remember, a true genius will never put down or will not make others feel little about themselves just so you make feel better about yourself.
“A true genius will not show off their abilities at the expense of others.”
However, there must be a balance between standing up for yourself and learning when to walk away from a situation. This takes a lot of knowledge about yourself through meditation or reflections.
Communicating my standards.
I am not a fan of confrontations. However, sometimes when the need arises, you have to. I am not saying to always do it out of the whim just to prove you are right. I am talking about communicating to people what you want to accept and what you do not want to accept. For example, if your partner is always on the phone when you are outside to dine out and when they are not on their phone, you may want to commend them by saying, ‘I like that side of you when you have your undivided attention with me when we eat out. I find it sexy or attractive’. I have tried this and it works wonders. I have learned this from Matthew Hussey, author of The Get the Guy. I have learned that confrontation does not have to turn to be ugly or messy. Another example is when you need to confront someone at work about something you are not comfortable with. You can politely ask to speak with them in private and ask them what they mean by their comments when you had your team meeting. The keyword is clarification, to make sure you understood it correctly. If they confirm that what you thought was true and you were uncomfortable with it then explain to them how you feel. Remember, you have every right to feel how you feel and no one can take that against you. If it makes you uncomfortable and you may say that you are not comfortable with that statement and you would appreciate it if they refrain from saying it or you are offended by it. I often find that it is effective to clarify it right there and then before it goes out of hand. This way you have given the person to hear you out, hear their side and always go in there with an open mind. If you go there very angry and emotional, I’d suggest that you calm down yourself first before you approach the person. Sometimes, it is ok too to go away and reflect on the situation before talking to the person in question. There is nothing that cannot be resolved by talking if not to the person in question, but to the person whom you trust and ask for a second pair of ears. If you believe that it is recurring then talk to your senior leadership, someone you can share your concerns within confidence and someone can make the change on your behalf. There is no point holding it back and bottling it all up. I have been there and it was eating me. It was very toxic. According to Dr Amen, confrontation is important to those people who are not comfortable with it. Why? You may think that avoiding it or what we call Brits, ‘brushing it under the carpet’, that it will go away, opposite is true. You are likely to develop more anger or frustration about the person and the next thing you know, you flew the handle or you are like a ticking time bomb. This is not the place you want to be. By denying yourself of the opportunity to be heard and speaking up or standing up for yourself, you have deprived yourself of the respect you deserve for yourself. Politely speak up and if need be, use the right channel.
Remove anything toxic from my life. I have learned to remove anything that is no longer adding value to my body, mind and spirit.
People: They say that in your lifetime you will meet those types of people that do nothing but to pull you down. People who are draining your battery (energy) every time you spend time with them. Those are the people you need to stay away from. Learn from them and move on. I have learned to identify those people by knowing myself, by evaluating myself what I care and what I value the most. If I find myself feeling down every time I am with those people or if I feel that they only befriend me when it benefits them then I stay away from them as fast as I can. It is important to know yourself before you can identify the kind of people you want to be around. Loving myself is my utmost priority and be kind to myself by learning to accept my imperfections, not to ask for validation from the outside world. Whatever my circumstance, I know that I am special like everyone else and I do not need someone or anyone to tell me otherwise. I have learned that by doing this, no one can really hurt me without my permission. One thing that is really profound, when people say bad words to me, instead of feeling awful about myself, I say to myself that those words do not reflect my true nature. Those words were a reflection of the owner’s perception of the world and their maturity in life. This way, I am gaining back control of the situation.
Yes, this is not easy. This takes a lot of practice and a lot of meditation. I am not saying you will not cry but at least you do not hate the person. Instead, all you have is compassion for them. As you practice this mindset, in time, it gets so much better.
Caffeine. I no longer drink coffee and it has been 2 years since I quit. This does not help me sleep and my body was quite dependent on it. This is another stimulant that your body does not need. If you have the right amount of sleep, you do not need it. According to Dr Breus, for parents, they can make up for their sleep if they have newborn, when the baby is asleep, take your nap too. This way you have rejuvenated instead of doing other household chores.
Sugar: I have been sugar-free for the last 4 months. It is crazy that no one really thought that sugar is addictive let alone that we are addicted to it. Not only it causes a lot of illnesses (from pimples, high blood pressure to diabetes, etc) but it can make you super hyper too. Just observed your kids, if you give your kids too much sugar and they will be running around all day.
Social Media. I have no Facebook, Instagram nor TikTok. I have been out of social media for the last 2 years or so. I only keep messenger for family and twitter, which I hardly use. I use it when I have to do a shoutout for free perks. I started a YouTube channel but I realised the purpose of my channel did not align with what I need. In time, I will recreate another channel. I am not saying do not use social media. However, if you are in a situation where you are addicted to it then this is not healthy. I have been there, done that. There were times when I was on Facebook for goodness 3 hours by scrolling my news feeds. I was also addicted to the number of likes to a point that when I did not get as much like as the previous post or from the people whom I expect to like, I felt really down. I got addicted to selfies for the sake of validation. The worse scenario for me was when I started comparing my life with the lives of the people that I saw on social media. I realised that before it gets out of hand, I had to stop. The other main reason why I quit is security. I did not enjoy the fact that my data were exploited and someone was profiting from it. But it is not as bad as now, thanks to the General Data Protection Regulation for EU citizens. I do not mind someone is using my data as long as I know how it is processed, what they know about me and I can ask for it to be deleted when it is appropriate.
Gratitude and Meditation.
Every day I always appreciate little things in life even if it means being healthy and waking up in the morning. I have learned to appreciate all sorts of weather because everything has its purpose. I start and end my day with gratitude. The first is in the morning when I meditate and right before I sleep. I have learned that appreciating things around me helps me grounded. It helps me see the world in a different light and that I have more to live for, not because of the material things but the experience and the privileges in this life. They say you are not ready to receive big things in life if you are in oblivion of the little things around you. I certainly believe this is true. If you do not feel content and peaceful within yourself then whatever you achieve in this lifetime, you would never be happy. You will always be chasing happiness through the lens of your external world or outside stimuli. Happiness starts from within, be peaceful from inside. I have learned this wisdom through my meditation and my continues search 
about the Metaphysical world. The world that is beyond your five senses. I started meditation on 9 Sep 2017. But I had not been consistent until I revisited it when I took the Mindvalley course, The M Word by Emily Fletcher. She is a meditation guru for 20 years or so. I never leave the house without meditating. I treat it like brushing my teeth. I meditate twice a day, after I wake up first thing in the morning and four hours before bedtime, normally between 17:30 – 18:00. I always make sure I do not miss this as part of my routine.
I have also taken the Silva Ultramind System (Jose Silva Technique) by Vishen Lakhiani, another Mind Valley course that I find as an advanced meditation technique. It has been proven that there are many benefits to meditation. I am not going to enumerate it here because I know you will find it all over the internet. What I do want to share is that it massively changed my view in life, my relationship between the world and myself. Meditation has improved my intuition and it has taught me humility. Meditation has given me a new set of pair of eyes and this is indeed a gift, waking every day, knowing your higher purpose. This has really given me the direction to move forward and has improved my spiritual beliefs stronger than before.
QHHT
With my continued search of knowledge beyond this physical plane or what the scholars called esoteric or hidden knowledge, I stumbled on Quantum Healing Hypnosis Technique by Dolores Cannon. I know I explained here how I found her work. But the QHHT has really questioned my conventional belief systems. Before I was so hard on myself and I always blame myself on a lot of things especially the past which led me to depression and suicidal thoughts because I thought this was all the life I could have. When I found QHHT, I have learned that there is indeed karma and there is indeed past life. We have lived hundreds and thousands of lives before. We are here as a soul having human experiences and Earth is indeed a school where we can learn about life. As I explained in my previous blog, this is not commonly accepted knowledge. But this is ok to me too. I am not here to convince people because when I found Dolores’s works, I did not have any expectations at all. All I have was an open mind and trust my intuition that I have been brought to these materials because it is serving my higher purpose, to serve others. By finding your higher purpose, you learn to overcome everything life throws at you especially when you know that you are here to learn on Earth. We are here to help one another. By reading and watching Dolores’s works, I have learned that only you can tell whether it resonates with you or not. To be fair, I always believe that you stumble information only when you are ready to receive it and you always have your free will. But there is only one thing I’d like you to reflect on, what you thought was seemingly random in your life is not a coincidence. Everything indeed has its purpose whether or not it conforms to the moral and emotional standards on Earth. There is always learning in every situation no matter how tough you seem to view it. In addition, your human body is indeed the testament that something out there, they call it God or Higher Self or Subconsciousness or the Creator, guiding and helping us. Our body to the cellular level did not come by accident. The intricacy and the accuracy of it did not just happen out of a big bang. It is created with precision and for a reason. On the surface, it is easy to see our imperfection, what we are lacking but what we forget to realise that we are breathing despite our physical appearance, your heart is precisely beating in tune with the circulation of your blood. This is no accident. If you are in doubt, just stare in the mirror, see past the imperfection and look at the magnificent piece of art, You.
Was there a relapse?
Yes, there was when my Dad passed away last Oct 2020. My fear came to reality and I was not even there to see him or bid goodbye. However, all these happened before I read Dolores’s book ‘Between Death and Life’ which I highly recommend. This has opened my eyes that death is something not to be afraid of but rather to celebrate. Yes, it sounds the opposite of what we were taught but Death is returning home and reviewing all the things we ought to learn on Earth. Last May of this year, 2021, when I took The Silva Ultramind System by Vishen Lakhiani, during this practice session, I had a dream of my Dad and my Mum in this beautiful place which appeared to be a garden. The energy was full of love and all I saw was my Dad dancing. He was very happy whilst my Mum was on the side watching him. By seeing them happy together, I came to realise that there was no need for me to grieve because I know they are in a much better place than being on Earth suffering from their illnesses. When I read the book of Dolores, it did make sense because it was explained in the book that when we die we go to a nice place full of love.
What have I learned?
I was bottling it all up. I was carrying these negative emotions, anger, frustrations, desperation, fear and everything you can think of that I have accumulated since 2017. I was filling up my diaries with social events, meet-up, parties until 3 am (thankfully I do not smoke nor drink) and travel abroad. I never had the proper chance to really reflect, sit down and face it. I thought I did but the accumulation came to hunt me. There were times that my happiness was so fixated on external factors. If I achieve this then I will be happy. If I get promoted then I am fulfilled. If it is sunny (which happens only two weeks straight in the UK, even this is a stretch) then I am happy. According to Shawn Achor, author of the book, Happiness Advantage, Happiness is the new Copernican theory of modern time. A theory which states that the Sun is the centre of the universe or Happiness is the centre of the universe. In this analogy, we have to be happy first before we can achieve whatever we want in this lifetime. When we are happy we are likely to attract the things we need in life. The Power of Resonance by Michael Beckwith explains that be the person you want to become first, be who you want to be first and the universe will mirror that to you.
“If you want to attract the right people in your life, you have to become the person you want to attract. What you put out there will come back to you in thousand folds.”
In this adventure, I have learned so many things about myself, the people whom I can truly count on when it gets rough, about life, my purpose and why I am here for. I have learned about family and family does not only mean by blood but also by the people you care about. Old friendship has been tested through time and real ones are the one that stays.
Would I change any of these experiences? Absolutely not. These are invaluable learnings and even to others, they might think it was a series of unfortunate events. But to me, it was meant to happen to teach me to be resilient in life and so I can help others who are going through what I went through. No such thing as failure or mistake. These are just labels that we are condition to believe. They all are learnings that are necessary for me to grow not just as a human being but for my soul. If we see every situation like this we are better equip at facing those situations in a different lens. According to Oprah, she always asks herself if she is in a tough situation, ‘what can I learn from this?’. By viewing it this way, you are expanding your reach to see it in an objective manner. In one of the snippets from the book, Between Death and Life, one of the regressed clients who was in between life (in the spirit world) said,
people are depressed because they thought that this is the only life they have to live. Which is not true. If you get it wrong then there is always next time!
When I read this, it all makes sense. We are so harsh to our own self, we are so quick to judge how unworthy we are. This is where I believe we got it all wrong. If we do not learn to be kind to our own self then we cannot expect to love others. We cannot expect others to respect us if we cannot respect our own self.
To you, who has managed to read this far, you are awesome and you are never alone. You may think that you do not have family or you are on your own. But this is not true. All you need is to listen to your inner self.
How would you know this?
Take 5 mins alone to yourself or go to the toilet, take a deep breath, repeat it 5 times. Listen to your heartbeat and slowly listen to your gut feeling. You will know who is speaking to you, not your critical mind, but the one who is full of love, your Higher Self. All you have to do is to ask and ‘they’ will talk back to you. The more you practice this, the better you get to tune in with them. Yes, it sounds crazy, but there is no harm in trying. If you are not comfortable in the toilet, try asking for help right before you go to sleep.
Always remember we are all special. You are special and you have always been guided since you could ever know. You are here to fulfil your higher purpose. If you do not know that yet, when you are ready, it will come to you. Whatever you are going through now, you can always reach out to them. Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Equally important, you are loved by the universe and the universe has your back. You just have to believe in it.
Until next time, go now with love and light!
M💗e 😊
Recommended readings and articles.
Agencies to call or reach out: https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/depression/
Between Death and Life by Dolores Cannon
Change your Brain, Change your Life by Dr Daniel Amen
The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor
Credits to:
Rainbow: Photo by Jared Erondu on Unsplash
Woman on a chair: Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
Light into the woods: Photo by Marty Finney on Unsplash
Woman meditating facing the sunset: Photo by Jared Rice on Unsplash
